Jokes

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We have a drink named after you." Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walked into a bar. "What is this?" said the bartender, "some kind of joke?"

A snail was mugged by a couple of turtles. When the police asked him what happened, he said, "I don't know, it all happened so fast"

What did the zero say to the eight?
"Hey, nice belt!"

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Two fish are in a tank. One says, "You drive, I'll man the cannon."

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar you irritating duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?

What’s Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-na (sung like the opening to his 5th)

And some new ones for my “man-with-no-arms-and-no-legs” collection:
1. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a mailbox? Bill.
2. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs flying over a fence? Homer
3. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russell
4. What do you call TWO armless and legless men hanging over a window? Curt and Rod

A man walks into a bar with his dog and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here, but I'll tell you what, you can try saying it's your seeing-eye dog." The second man thanks the first, walks up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They don't have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Q: How many Surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: Potato

If you start a man a fire, he'll be warm for a night. If you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

This one’s dirty but it made me chuckle: A Rabbit and a Bear are pooping in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "Why, no, I don't." So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.

What’s small and green and has 4 wheels? Peas, I was kidding about the wheels.

Confucius say “He who runs behind the car gets exhausted; he who runs in front of the car gets tired.”

Links:

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Farts
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